My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
