Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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