put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
