Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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