Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
