and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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