Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
