I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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