I don't usually arrange sex via text message
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
