i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
