I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
