mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
