Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
