There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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