The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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