I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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