I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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