my mouth tastes like poor choices
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
