If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Send help, water and tortillas.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
