Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
