I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
