All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
