She is in my trunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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