The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
