my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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