My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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