Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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