One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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