listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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