Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
