We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
