i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
