Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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