I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
