Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
