my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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