its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
PANTIES FOUND
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