He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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