i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
