I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It's shark week go big or go home
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
