i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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