I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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