Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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