If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
