If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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