Im at strip club and am horny
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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