My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
