If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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