I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
