The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My liver just broke up with me...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
