I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
