Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
