last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
