Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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