I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
