dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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