Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
