A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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