i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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