i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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