based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
